A few experiences in the last week have caused me to think through my parenting philosophy.
Amazingly, it turned out to be pretty simple and straightforward. So I thought I would share a few of the highlights.
First, a little background on the week. I am attending a baby shower this Saturday for a couple having their first child. The invitation asked that people contribute advice for parents as part of the RSVP so their friends could compile a small book of those nuggets. Now, I don’t really know them well enough to toss in my own two cents. So I decided to do it here on my website.
Then, last Sunday I attended my son’s karate tournament. I volunteered to direct traffic on the competition floor because when you have a thousand kids running around, well someone has to do it. Some kids won, some came in third and some came in tenth but everyone got something. Whether a trophy, medal or ribbon. The thing that gave me pause was the look of utter despair on some of those faces. Even a few with third place trophies in hand were just crushed by their performance. Much more food for thought.
Then last night, I was discussing a parenting issue with the lovely and talented dawnuh. Seems there are people in the world who approach child rearing much differently than I do. Imagine that. Taken together, all these things have led me to create the following guidelines for parents. Pay close attention. Or don’t, I’m not really keeping track.
Be consistent
Its first on the list for a reason. Its also my Dad’s favorite piece of advice about parenting. "Its more important to be consistent than to be right." As parents we will make mistakes. Its a given. But stay true to your beliefs and present a stable set of values to your kids, more often than not you will do ok. Don’t sweat it if you do things different than other parents. They aren’t raising your child. Do what you think is best every time. And when your child comes home and says "but everyone else’s parents are letting them do *activity*" tell em that you don’t agree with the morals or values associated with it and will not allow it. (I have had this conversation regarding the Boy Scouts at least twice now.)
Hug your kid
Seems simple enough right? But its easy to lose sight of this. Hug your kids every day. Hug em before they go to school and before the lights go out at night. Hug them when you pick them up from school. Hug them when they finish their homework. Hug them when they scrape their knee. Hug them when they score the winning goal, and even more important, when they give up the winning goal. Hug them for small successes and big ones. Hug them when they struggle and when they triumph. Most important of all, hug them even when they pull away from you.
Physical contact is more powerful than anything you will ever say. It conveys more in five seconds than you could tell them in an hour. If you embrace your child in a genuine act of love and devotion, they will know it. And even if they are pissed at you, they will know that you still love them.
Instill a little fear
I have seen children throw fits. Tantrums. Mind blowing displays of agression towards parents and others. I have seen children as old as 10 actually strike a parent. Usually when this happens the parents response is to try to reason with the kid.
My children have hit me maybe once or twice. All before the age of 4. Why doesn’t it continue? Because I made sure they knew, with no room for doubt, that they were completely outclassed in a physical match. Kids evolve in stages. When they are toddlers they understand the world in a physical way. This thing is big, that one is small. This thing makes a scary noise and that thing is hot. When a child that age hits you, its because they don’t know any better. In their mind, physical attack is the only tool they have to cope with frustration. I think some parents make the mistake of letting that slide at first. Then the kid reaches the Age of Reason (around four or five) and they are still hitting. Now the parent goes to the "time out". And while this may solve the behavioral problem there is still a big hole in the child’s psyche. They don’t understand that they are outclassed. They don’t understand fear.
Now, before you call the child services folks on me let me explain. I am not suggesting you hit your kids. I have spanked on a few occasions but I am not proud of it because it wasn’t a reasoned act. I was upset. The kid had won the mind war. If you are physically superior to someone there is no honor in hurting that person and no purpose in it. But what can be effective is restraint. When a young child hits me, I pick them up and hold them at arms length before I begin speaking. I do it suddenly and without a word. In that moment, the kid knows they are outclassed. And since most toddlers have experience falling down, that four feet of air between their feet and the ground gives them pause. Suddenly, they know a little fear. Now you can reason with them.
I think it does a disservice to kids to let them grow up without that sense of place. How many times have you seen a teenager who seemed to miss the basic facts of the situation. How many people talk trash to cops. The cops have all the power, you have none. And yet you continue to harass them? Somewhere in the past, those kids threw a fit, hit their parents and learned that the consequence for getting in over your head was to sit in time out and that’s it.
Just a little fear folks. It goes a long way.
Talk to your kids
Tell them you love them. Tell them they are the greatest ever. Tell them they made a mistake. Whatever it is, you can’t tell them things often enough. In the same vein as hugs, your words do matter. Most important though, talk to them as adults. Yes, content should be age specific. You don’t explain mortgage payments to a five year old. But presentation should always be the same. Kids know when you are talking down to them. That’s different than talking on their level. Speak to your kids the way you wnat them to speak to you because I guarentee, that’s how they will talk to you. Kids are not dumb. They are as smart as you let them be. If you use a word in conversation that they don’t know, take a moment to explain it. But always always talk to them with the same respect you would give a peer. Eventually, you want that respect back. The old saying applies, nothing given, nothing recieved. In that same theme…..
Listen to your kids
Yes, I know. The latest episode of Spongebob Squarepants is not high on your list of conversation topics. But to your kids it might be the most exciting thing that happened today. Always listen to what children are telling you. Listen to them like you would listen to your boss. Try to be engaged in the conversation every time they talk to you. Ok, so that game of kickball at recess means more to them than to you, but if you don’t listen to your seven year old, they will know. And when they are 14 and really want to talk to someone, they will chose someone they think will listen. What do they think about your listening? Start early and lay the groundwork.
Parenting is a job, treat it like one
"Well of course its work!", you say. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Being a parent is work. It can be hard work, especially when they are young. But parenting is a job, a career, and a commitment. It should be afforded the same effort, thought, and energy that you put into career advancement.
Think of children as a small business. When they are born, its a struggle. You are learning new things and finding problems you never even considered. It takes the majority of your time getting things up and running and constant supervision to ensure that the business (child) stays healthy. As the child gets older, the time commitment lessens but the emotional and mental commitment grows. In business you would begin to think about how to make it flourish and grow. How to establish your business as a solid and profitable endeavor. Kids are like this from age five to age 12 or 13. You are laying the groundwork for long term success. Once a business has matured, all you really need to do is pay the bills and make sure the deliveries are made on time. Similarly, kids in their teens should not require constant supervision. They should be able to handle the day to day tasks of living and get your input on big decisions. If you spent 15 years running a candy store and then decided you really wanted to be in the antique business you wouldn’t start selling your candy as "antique candy" and yet I hear so many parents say "I just don’t know what to do with my teenager. How did they get like this?" It shouldn’t be a suprise. You spent 15 years building this person up from scratch. Who and what they are now is a reflection of that. If you don’t understand how they got there, then you didn’t give parenting enough attention when you should have.
As expected, I rambled on a bit longer than I should have. But this is a topic I have a lot of passion for. Parenting is both the easiest and most difficult job you will ever undertake. The rewards are great and so is the risk. But it doesn’t have to be complicated. All it takes is love, determination, and a few simple guidelines.
